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honest comments on my poem please?
AFRICA – A PLACE I CALL HOME
Feel the rhythmic chanting
Beneath my flesh and bone
Wild blood shed upon the marrow
The lion takes the throne
The hunter being hunted
Once darkened is the sky
The blaze of the African sun
Still burning in my eye
Surrounded by the camouflage
Of peacefulness and rest
Yet pining for contentment
Beneath my tender chest
A sorrow sunken heart I fear
It stalks me as its prey
The amber glow of which I dream
Cast aside – for another day.
written by
silverchick75
This is a nice piece. Very solid opening and some good lines. Here are some suggestions:
The Title: I would remove Africa from the title and let the reader discover it in the poem. They should get that in the first stanza, but at the very minimum by L7. Let the title produce mystery and make people want to read the poem.
S1: Okay, yes I love it. L3 though seems to have one extra beat throwing off the rhythm. I'm not so much talking about syllables more the clunk that occurs when reading it out loud (do it yourself and listen to the flow). Consider cutting "shed" in L3 to fix this.
S2: Solid no suggestions.
S3: I'm not sure tender chest is the best phrase here. I mean I understand how you could use this, but it feels like its more there for the rhyme. I would consider a substitute that shows Africa in your heart better.
S4: The last line feels a little off when you read it out loud. The message is good, but the flow feels off. Consider coming up with a substitute.
Overall excellent job though. Good poem. All I had were minor revision suggestions.
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